Escape

10 Sept 01
10:04 PM

I’m sitting in my study with a few candles highlighting the four inclosing walls that are surrounding me. Keeping me company is a fifth of Jack Daniels as I listen to Metallica’s “Ride The Lighting.” The album is very appropriate right now as I’m seriously debating about the various ways to kill myself. As I mentioned in yesterday’s log, I’m still not over my fiancé leaving me for a man that got her pregnant while I was away on business. Ain’t that some shit. I guess hard work doesn’t always pay off. For example, I showed up to work on time this morning as usual and as I’m pouring my morning coffee my boss says, “Hey, Bradley, come to my office when you done doctoring your coffee.” I poured my cream and sugar into my cup, and headed straight to his office. Just as I stepped through the threshold of his office he says, “Close the door behind you.” So I did and sat down in one of the two chairs in front of his desk. I was kinda in good spirits this morning. Work has been keeping me busy from thinking about, the Bitch, and I’m also up for promotion so I was eager to hear some good news. My boss dropped some report he was combing over and then proceeded to relay some bad news. In short he says, “Bradley, I know you have been doing one hell of a good job and I’m thankful to have you aboard here.” The acknowledgement put a smile on my face sensing good news was mere seconds away. He concluded, “But I’m afraid we have to let you go. We are having some difficult financial times lately and the company has decided to let some people go. I’m sorry, Bradley. You can work the rest of the week and collect your severance check on Friday.” And this was my day.
Let’s get back to the suicide subject. Since the breakup I’ve contemplated suicide, mostly because I’m lonely and hurting real bad but now that I’m getting laid off so suicide sounds like a great idea to an end of a crappy week. At first, I’ve thought about hanging myself since that is the old, rich tradition of committing suicide but I kinda wanna go out with something fresh and new. I’ve never had my 15 minutes so I want this suicide to be my 15. So, I’ve been thinking about getting a grenade and strapping the grenade to my chest right where my heart is and blowing my heart to pieces. I mean that is where the real pain is. The pain is so bad that I have been having trouble breathing at times like in the elevators at work and at night as I lay in bed. I didn’t want to do the Kurt Cobain style and blow my head off because sometimes that shit back fires, and I living with a fucked up face for the rest of my life--No Thank You!!!! And slicing my wrist seems to be slow and drawn out, and to much like the “Virgin Suicides.” Too dramatic for me. However, someone finding me in my bathtub with my wrist sliced sounds really up my ex‘s alley. She would think the sliced wrist was cool. She is weird like that. Perhaps, the Bitch, will suffer some from hearing about the way I went out. Na….fuck her. This suicide is about me and not about her pain. That being said, going out in a blaze of glory like “Young Guns” style sounds really cool and gangsta. I can see myself with two glocks and in a gun fight with the cops. Billy the Kid would be proud. I would probably make the headlines but this suicide mission shouldn’t be advocating suicide. It’s my personal 15 mins. Besides, I would laugh at the copycats who took away my 15--damn crumb snatchers. This suicide is about me ending my pain and moving on to the next hemisphere. If there is another hemisphere?
The weed and the alcohol is kicking in now, and my emotions are running on full cylinders. This suicide is becoming all to real as tomorrow is around the hour. For some reason and it’s probably the weed, but the book “Dante’s Inferno” is stuck in my head. I remember reading the “Inferno” in college and the people who committed suicide in the “Inferno” were stuck in purgatory with bad people and terrible heat too. I don’t even like the heat which why I moved to New York from Texas. “Do I really wanna be trapped in purgatory with whips, chains, fire, and listening to Bauhaus?” That’s to gothic and shit--No Thank You!!!

10 Sept 01
11:37 PM

I’m back. I had a bathroom break. But some good news happened while I was taking a dump which made me feel real dumb. I work in the Twin Towers--Duh. Why not just jump? I think others have done it? They say before one hit’s the ground he/she is lifeless before the impact. What a perfect way to go!!! I’ll jump and die before I hit the ground. But then again I’m not so thrilled about jumping. I’m afraid of heights. I’ll probably back out once I’m on the ledge. Damn, this suicide mission is complicated. I’m getting sleepy now. I should sleep on it and figure it out tomorrow. I wish God or Jesus are listening to me right now. I really need some help and answers with this suicide thing. I’ll say a prayer and hopefully they’ll hear me or help me.

11 Sept 01
5:15 AM

It’s five in the morning and I’m having trouble sleeping. The pain in my heart is just too much and it’s giving me a headache. I got a joint in hand and I’m watching videos of Metallica as I’m preparing myself for this big fall of faith. I think I’m going to jump after all. I haven’t heard from Jesus or God, so I think it’s a go. I suppose I should take a shower and get ready for work. I gotta be at the office at 747.

11 Sept 01
7:10 AM

I’m on the subway heading to the Towers. Despite the darkness that lurks in and out of my head I’m feeling really good about things. Judging by the dynamics of the rest of people on the subway with their smiles blaring loudly and each dialogue has a bit kindness and candidness, I figure today is going to be a good one but odd. The setting I’m in is a bit odd for New York, especially in the subway at seven in the morning. Most people are freaking pissed off and delusional. Today is going to be odd--really odd. Thank God I brought my “Ride The Lightning” cd for this odd day. The cd is keeping things in prospective--Creeping Death. My stop is coming up, so I’ll be back after I get checked in at the office. Got a long elevator ride coming up.

11 Sept 01
7:59 AM

I’m finally at my desk. And I have to admit, since it’s my last few words of my life today, “This office has the best coffee in New York--hands down. Oh lord…I’m going to miss this coffee.” My boss isn’t here yet, so I got “Ride The Lightning” on full blast on my headphones. It’s pretty rad. I thought about leaving my Discman at my desk, so that the last sounds I hear would be the wind peeling back my face but that’s not going to happen. I’ve just decided that this trip needs some “Ride The Lightning.” You know what they say, “Fight Fire With Fire.” What kinda sucks right now is that I’m here at work with work to do and I don’t care to do it. They’re letting me go at the end of the week. Right? Fuck it!!!! It’s Tetrus time with “Whom The Bell Tolls.”

11 Sept 01
8:36 AM

Shit is hitting the fan right about now. Apparently, a plane is heading our way. Everyone is scrabbling around gathering up stuff they don’t need and heading toward the exits. I guess no work today. I, on the other hand, I’m feeling the emptiness leaving me with every stroke of this pen. It’s odd. Odd Day!!!! If you’re reading this that means my co-worker, Vicky, made it and didn‘t drop my journal panicking racing to the exits. I guess God or Jesus were listening. “Fade To Black.”